This Christmas weekend...

WOW. It's christmas today =D

I think this christmas weekend is really pretty well spent! On friday night immediately after the funeral, I went to Ikea with my superman liao... After 1 full week of not seeing him, the meeting cudn't have come sooner. HEhehehe... Then we guang around Ikea, contemplating how our future home would look like... visited all the toilets in every set-up, stopped for a little sweet supper at Ikea's cafe, then proceeded to choose a little something for the TT peeps turning up for Saturday's Steamboat @ Marina!

On Saturday, went out early with Spm again for a movie: Curse of the Golden Flower...Dammit the stupid cinema, impossible to find the Row alphabet, we ended up sitting at the forth row in front. but luckily we still got a good view of the screen and cud still enjoy the movie together! Was ten minutes late for the 6pm meeting time at Marina Bay station coz we were chionging to write and tie the cards onto the presents... No joke ok, gotta do for 7 peeps in 2omins. LOL!

Went to Zhen Fa Live Seafood for Steamboat... The smell (not to mention OIL) that stuck to us after we left was Fantastic~ At around 9 pm we left for the superbowl... but they found it costly to play there so weijian led us up stairs to play pool! We took turns and paired up to play la.. At least everyone got a chance to play =)

When the pool session ended, we were about to head home when weijian wanted to go see the christmas lightings along Orchard Road. So three of us, him me and superman went together and simply strolled from Somerset to Orchard station... OR was it the other way round? HAhahhaha! Sorry i'm lu chi (street idiot). At TIMES only. Hehehehe.

Dat leaves yesterday le... Sunday. Again went out with Superman... HAHAHA. Alot of pple gonna scold liao... go out with him for 3 days straight, gonna i say i bias and dat i don miss them wor LOL! (But I do miss them, just that I rarely get the chance to spend so many days with him maaa.. pls ti liang wo hao bu hao...?)

Yesterday yesterday... went to IMM first to shop around. We wanted to buy a tent so that we can camp out together! YAAAAAAAYY we can stay out and he can bring his telescope(s) and wadever astro stuff is needed to spot Saturn and observe the moon this season. however the choice at IMM were tooooo limited le! Decided to go beach road some other day to buy the necessary instead! For dinner, we went to *drum roll*.......

BOTTLE TREE VILLAGE! Yea... history repeated itself... we ordered the amount of food that was more suited for 3- 4 persons again but this time really cud not finish everything so had to da bao some chicken wings left over le! Hahaha.. By the time we finished dinner, it was coming to 9pm. So we headed back out t sembawang park and stayed til 12.30am... got ravaged by freakin mossies man! VICIOUS LITTLE BLOODSUCKERS I TELL U! It wasn't until we moved to the beach side did the bloodsucking stop. wahahaha.

Made it back rather early to the train station for the train back to cck. A very first ride can took less than 15mins from Sembawang to Cck! Coz at some stations, the doors just opened and closed - no passengers alighted. HEhehe =)

yups! dats my christmas weekend for u! how did u spend yours? =]

today might be the bluest day of 2006 for me.

i am suffering from funeral overdose. as if that's not enough, sms-cold-turkey, neglect-ivitis and insignificancer...

i was annoyed by *everyone. for a short moment i even hated *everyone. (*figurative).

THIS WEEK OF THE HOLIDAY SUCKS! ABSOLUTELY SUCKS!!

I think when misery and misfortunate hits you, expect an army of it to follow suit. Damn it. Dang it. SHit it. really, like when one persom ignores you, the rest kinda follows.

I want Pat Pat!

My Ah Ma is dying and I don't feel sad.

(12.15am)

The title of this post screamed out at you, didn't it?

I feel sick. really sick. Sick to admit that this is really the case. My Ah Ma is really dying and i really don't feel sad. I went with mom, dad and bro to see her at at A.H. She had been admitted for one full week and today was the first time I went to see her. Because of this, it may be the last and final I would be seeing her alive. nearly dead, but alive. But she hasn't seen me for weeks. weeks. weeks. If I was crying now, it would be because... I feel terrible. For not being sad that she is dying. I can't explain it. Can't explain it. Just can't explain it.

I'm sitting here comfortably on my Lily Pad (just bought from Ikea) feeling sad about myself and for myself, that I don't feel sad for my granny. I feel like shit now. Why don't I feel sad? Anything would be better than this feeling right now. Dear friends, please give me a slap, each one of you. Anything would do. Please. I deserve one from every one of you for thinking of what I had been thinking.

Since yesterday, when I first heard that Ah Ma had been "sleeping" for one entire day, the first thoughts were... OH no... my holiday... My long awaited Christmas and New Year's break... For the next line, please do not continue to read if you're already starting to think I'm insane.

My next thoughts were....

Ah ma please don't die until after Christmas.

I can't believe myself either. I'm writing this and confessing here in hope of seeking forgiveness from myself. And forgiveness from anybody who might be reading this at all. Nobody can understand how terrible this feels. I feel like.....................................crap.

Right now, I'm thinking, what if Mom calls back from the hospital and says that Ah Ma has just passed away? What would I be feeling? I can easily picture myself putting down the receiver after the news... and crying myself to sleep. But for what would I be crying? For all the wrong reasons I'm sure. I would be crying because I feel guilty about not visiting her earlier, because I've a good-enough grand daughter, because I, "I", "I", "I".......

Why do people cry when they see their loved ones dying? why do YOU cry when see your grandparents dying?

(1.29am)

*I just received my mom's sms. She said "Ah Ma is STABLE now! Pls sleep well!"*

Now I'm really tearing up le... now I don't even know why I'm feeling relieved. Is it because my Christmas would not be ruined, or is it because I'm really relieved that she'sgonna tide over this like she did the past few times? After all the selfish and heartless thoughts that's been going through my head, I no longer know of my own nature. I'm beginning to think I may be capable of only and all sorts of cruel and evil thoughts.

Is dying really that unbearable for the dying person? Again, why do people feel sad? Why don't I? The last funeral I went through was my aunt's. Last year. After her sucide attempt succeeded. Why did I cry? Let me tell you why. I told my parents not to search for her the morning she went missing. I said, "As an adult, she should know how to take care of herself. Right now, she just needs some time to cool off, be away from her husband, her family. If she doesn't want to be found, you can't find her anyway." Hell was I wrong. She just wanted to kill herself. The next morining I cried like hell after they told me she was found. And the reason I cried: I felt guilty for what I said.

I am an unfeeling person. It seems strange even to myself that I am not upset over someone dying. I just feel so lousy because I am not able to feel what children and grandchildren are supposed to feel when that happens.

Slouched over the hospital's bed bar earlier on (5.30pm) at the hospital, I stroked my Ah Ma's fluid-swollen hands and looked at her face. Riden with the burden of laboured breathing. I looked at my cousin. She had tears in her eyes. And then I looked back at Ah Ma again. Morphine was coarsing through her veins. Surely she didn't feel any pain. Maybe the pain of knowing we're there and not being able to communicate with us, but definitely not the physical aspect of pain. Why do we feel sad to see her like that? Then, I remember thinking of Cousin, why do you feel sad? When your time is up, it's up, isn't it? Seeing granny breathe, I only cared if the mask rubbing against her face each time she exhaled hurt her.

We stayed on for approximately 2 hours and I merely observed her for this period of time, not feeling any sadness... I noticed the hair growing out of her head, was in fact black. What a phenomenon. She HAD a full head of silver hair and now black hair was growing out from her head. Plus, my cousin and I noticed a green tint over the her silver hair. It was almost eerie to see the green tint. Even eerier was that the adults (or elderly since my cousin was already in her late twenties), did not seem to notice or feel intrigued by the green tint. Ok, I'm digressing too much.

We left at around 7.30 for dinner and shopped at Ikea. I really had a great time there with mom dad and didi. By 10.30pm, we were back in the car and Dad was heading back to A.H. to pick up Gu Ma and Cousin. The moment Cousin popped into the car, she was smiling. "Popo (my Ah Ma) is conscious le... She opened her eyes a few times already" And everyone went home smiling. Upon reaching and in less than an hour, Dad's phone rang. Mom came into the room and said, "Sorry girl, Daddy and I have to go back to the hospital... Ah ma's heart rate dropped."

My heart dropped too. I tried to finish the Christmas card I was working on but I succumbed and scrambled onto my Lily Pad to blog. (2.05am)

For the past 1 hour and 50 minutes, I experienced unbearable despair and self-hatred, disbelieve and then relieve. Including the emotions I've felt starting from my arrival the hospital: anger, extreme sadness and loneliness for first phase of shopping because I couldn't find a companion for tomorrow's plan to revisit Ikea; jubilation and excitement when my mom finally allowed me to buy the things I really wanted and needed; and even a mild sort of peace when we were at the cashier paying all the stuff in our cart amounting to $157 and a few cents... A wide spectrum of emotions. this is really what you call an emtional roller coaster.

Usually, I feel better after blogging out in an incredibly, fantastically long entry, especially when I can't find some one I can talk to about it.

This time, I'm thankful it worked just as well too.

Mommy, I'm thankful you're still around.

The terrible ache is suppressed for now. Dear friends, the next time I need you guys to slap me in the face again, I'll speak up here again. And please don't deny me that favour. thanks in advance.

It's started!

Wooohoooo~! the term break is here! After 12 freaking long weeks of school, IT IS FINALLY HERE!

And what did i do to pop the champange? First thing on friday was to wait for Spm to be released. I was expecting him to end closer to 8pm but he called a 6.30! wooo lucky me... if not i wud have been surrounded by hei pii piis le! - from night classes >.< row ="D">

After that we went to Bishan. Junction 8.. At first i thot eeeeyer, just another shopping mall ... BUT was I wrong!!! HAhaha it was a great place for shopping, comparable to Plaza Singapura (but anw this is subject to personal bias - i've always found P.S. a wonderful place to shop)!

Apart shopping, Junction 8 also has quite a few fun things to do... we went into this UV house...

And took a lot of photos! Hahahahaha, we stayed longer then any other kids who came in!

Spm: Wonder how would money look like under UV...

Me: Oh YA HOR!? *No need to wonder liao, just take out some notes to photograph will do...* 0.OV

*Amazed* it took me awhile to realise tat there were tiny sprinkles of paper bits all over the notes that glowed too!

Hahaha! our teeth glows too!

Trying to see if the pendant glows...


Spm looking at Christmas drawings...

Anw, I saw SO MANY THINGS I wanted to buy as Christmas presents!!! I bought my Mom's already~! When we left the place, i immediately thot of going back soon one day! Poor Spm hor, walked rounds and rounds with me, keeping quiet while I darted in and out of shops, looked at stuff and chose my presents... only after we walked out of J8 and headed to the MRT station did he say, "I need to find a seat to sit down, my legs have been feeling suan the whole... feels like breaking now le.." :P Hahaha!

For dinner, we went to Ang Mo Kio "hub" to da bao food... I tell U, the "hub" was SOOOOOO happening! I was practically like a tourist or at least a Sua Gu Kid there, fascinated by nearly everything and anything... Throngs of people around and tonnes of good food at their S11 coffee shop!!! Plus, its's safe to say they had at LEAST 5 coffee shops in that area, excluding the Japanese eatery that dubbed itself the "Cheapest Japanese Food in Singapore"! Wahahaa... "Food Paradise" as said labelled by Superman la. WAAaaaaa Look at food until @_@ again... And then there was also a stage set on an opn ground in the midst of the hub - there was "snow" and a performance to follow.

Where did we da bao our food to? Hahahaha! To Ang Mo Kio Town Garden! Yup! We packed our food just so that we can eat in a Park =) When i saw the park, i immediatedly recgonised it altho i've never been there! Noe why? Thats where they shot a scene of the Ch 8 show Hai de Er Zi!!! U noe there was an episod where Li Mingshun and Apple Hong were following a female client to persuad her to sign a contract... and the client was on her jog and they chased her up a long flight of stairs in a park? Then Apple Hong Twisted her ankle or something la and Li Mingshun had to piggy back her up that flight of stairs... LOL! Yup i believe that's the place... Btw, that park is really very beautiful and it has a 24 hour McDonald's!!!

Kailin and shups! We must go these Places (Shanghai Dim Sum, J8, and Ang Mo Kio town centre) during this break hor! HEheheheehee..

P.s. Rmb ur Christmas Shopping - only one week left le =)

Signing off~

I'm really in a winter wonderland =)

2 days to...

holidays!~

Although i havent got much lined up for me, i'm still geared up for the these 3 weeks' break. Yyippps:) Going to KL around 26th Dec for abt 4 days - ( but so weird hor?! go overseas during Christmas!? eeeee...)

Don't know why i get lethargic so easily... it's been like this for 2 weeks liao. I was sooo tired during yesterday's training... "cut" the ping pong ball for nearly half an hour with weijian then after hands and legs all weak liao. LOL. Think i k po too much on msn, thru sms and on the phone liao. Hahhahahaaha... i think - think only lor =P

Don't know why i like to do stupid things for my friends. Ahahahahahaaa... Choose present with him, do up the present for him, make up a bogus story about a delivery man and pretend to receive the flowers on her behalf... WA LAO EH so cheesy. Yet I still do it willingly. LOL! Just for cheap thrill and to feel great about myself >.<>

Anyway, cannot meddle too much into people's affairs le... Don't know wad repercussions will befall on me man.

like i always say,

there's a thin line between being straightforward and being rude.

there's a thin line between playing match-maker and being plain meddlesome.

there's a thin line between being concerned and being over-bearing.



the second line probably applies to me lar.


OH YA!

Shups and I came up with the following "RE-MIXES" for this nursery rhyme during FM lecture on tuesday:

Baa Baa Black Sheep have you any wooool
Yes sir yes sir 3 bags fuuuull
one for my master, one for my daame
one for the little boy who lives down the laaaane

Shuping's childhood version:

Bla Bla Black Sheep have you any wooool
Yes sir yes sir 3 bags fuuuull
one for my master, one for my daame
one for the little boy who lives down the laaaane

Liang Xi Mei Version:

Braa Braa Brack Sheep
Yesh shir yesh shir twee bags foooooo
one por my masster, one por my laame
one por the rittle boy who rives down the raaaame

John Foo Version:

BGHRA BGHRA Brajfk sheep
yYyuasvd3bagsfull
oneurhtomatetonermy dame
onerpsthelitlebiowhuehhhdowdelane

^this version power hor? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!




MEHHHhhhhhhhhry Chwiiiismerrrs and Goood tidings everyone!


dashing thru the snow~
one a onehorse open sleigh~
la la la la la... laughing all the way~


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Today I heard something I wish I didn't hear. And nearly didn't want to sit thru for MR becoz of it. I'm not angry or anything now, but at that moment, I felt hurt, upset and kind of shattered. I try to think of logical reasons to calm myself down - which I eventually managed to.

Ad then i started to think, shud i tell him or not? coz he used 3 powerful words on me... either way, it's unfair for them, him and me. it's not my responsibility leh , so why should i carry this burden? Anyway, i repeat what i said. i know what kind of person he is, and i don't need friends who don't know him to tell me what he is or what he is not. i have eyes to see with and ears to hear with.








*Ok.... After counselling session with Ah si, I will not say anything le. "If not U will lose this friend" he said...*









By the way, think wad u guys want to think.. say i like him, say whatever. i already have superman, i dont need to explain to anyone else. furthermore, word will get to me. just a matter of when:)







I just wanted to write this post to get this off my chest. If not i might burst. So don't read too much into it lor.


Right now, I'm SO GLAD MR CA2 is OVERRRRRR!!!!

RARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

I wish today can pass quickly >.<

Moon rise

WA SEH! It's been so long i blogged!

first things first... my throat is feeling raw now. dats right. RAW. Not sore. Thanks to limin and her chocolates lar! She said alot of people gave her chocs for presents then she's been bringing them to school everyday since monday!

WAOH! It's the SECOND TIME I've watched the moon rise... And both times also with Superman! Was just 25mins ago (from when I'm typing this i.e. ard 9.50am). I was asking spm on msn:


\past debts cleared... yippee.. now i owe shuping $7 says:
erh.. do u now when and whr is the moon rising tonight?

Shenwei(E=mc²) says:
wait ar

Shenwei(E=mc²) says:
rised, NE direction

\past debts cleared... yippee.. now i owe shuping $7 says:
WA LAU!

Shenwei(E=mc²) says:
very nice leh

\past debts cleared... yippee.. now i owe shuping $7 says:
SI BEI NICE LEH!

LOL! When I looked out the window beside me, this is wad i saw


























HAHAHAHA! Cool anot!? Taken from my room window de leh! Bu i had to stretch my arm out and point the camera 90 degrees to the right lar... the 5 pics show the moon rising slowly higher and higher... At first when i saw it, it was yellower and larger. As it rises highger, it becomes brighter, whiter and smaller =D

Had a loooong chat with kailin on the phone just now... about one hour just before this para. Hahah. My house is like broadcasting station. Kailin is my walkie-talkie (anytime anywhere - instantaneous)and shups is like my radio (whatever info missing, just tune in to her). LOL! but rest assured... wad I'm not to tell/ say will NOT be broadcasted out.

Wanyi! I noe wad U've been saying about spm and me ar! AHhaha but i noe its not bad things lar.... DUN ANIHOW TELL PPLE LIAO HOR! wa liew..... I choose to tell u is because i made a choice- not because u happened o be around hor.. ming bai ma? shhhhh.... hahahahaha.

Buay Tahan this sampat club lor. but. I love it. HEHEHE