(12.15am)
The title of this post screamed out at you, didn't it?
I feel sick. really sick. Sick to admit that this is really the case. My Ah Ma is really dying and i really don't feel sad. I went with mom, dad and bro to see her at at A.H. She had been admitted for one full week and today was the first time I went to see her. Because of this, it may be the last and final I would be seeing her alive. nearly dead, but alive. But she hasn't seen me for weeks. weeks. weeks. If I was crying now, it would be because... I feel terrible. For not being sad that she is dying. I can't explain it. Can't explain it. Just can't explain it.
I'm sitting here comfortably on my Lily Pad (just bought from Ikea) feeling sad about myself and for myself, that I don't feel sad for my granny. I feel like shit now. Why don't I feel sad? Anything would be better than this feeling right now. Dear friends, please give me a slap, each one of you. Anything would do. Please. I deserve one from every one of you for thinking of what I had been thinking.
Since yesterday, when I first heard that Ah Ma had been "sleeping" for one entire day, the first thoughts were... OH no... my holiday... My long awaited Christmas and New Year's break... For the next line, please do not continue to read if you're already starting to think I'm insane.
My next thoughts were....
Ah ma please don't die until after Christmas.
I can't believe myself either. I'm writing this and confessing here in hope of seeking forgiveness from myself. And forgiveness from anybody who might be reading this at all. Nobody can understand how terrible this feels. I feel like.....................................crap.
Right now, I'm thinking, what if Mom calls back from the hospital and says that Ah Ma has just passed away? What would I be feeling? I can easily picture myself putting down the receiver after the news... and crying myself to sleep. But for what would I be crying? For all the wrong reasons I'm sure. I would be crying because I feel guilty about not visiting her earlier, because I've a good-enough grand daughter, because I, "I", "I", "I".......
Why do people cry when they see their loved ones dying? why do YOU cry when see your grandparents dying?
(1.29am)
*I just received my mom's sms. She said "Ah Ma is STABLE now! Pls sleep well!"*
Now I'm really tearing up le... now I don't even know why I'm feeling relieved. Is it because my Christmas would not be ruined, or is it because I'm really relieved that she'sgonna tide over this like she did the past few times? After all the selfish and heartless thoughts that's been going through my head, I no longer know of my own nature. I'm beginning to think I may be capable of only and all sorts of cruel and evil thoughts.
Is dying really that unbearable for the dying person? Again, why do people feel sad? Why don't I? The last funeral I went through was my aunt's. Last year. After her sucide attempt succeeded. Why did I cry? Let me tell you why. I told my parents not to search for her the morning she went missing. I said, "As an adult, she should know how to take care of herself. Right now, she just needs some time to cool off, be away from her husband, her family. If she doesn't want to be found, you can't find her anyway." Hell was I wrong. She just wanted to kill herself. The next morining I cried like hell after they told me she was found. And the reason I cried: I felt guilty for what I said.
I am an unfeeling person. It seems strange even to myself that I am not upset over someone dying. I just feel so lousy because I am not able to feel what children and grandchildren are supposed to feel when that happens.
Slouched over the hospital's bed bar earlier on (5.30pm) at the hospital, I stroked my Ah Ma's fluid-swollen hands and looked at her face. Riden with the burden of laboured breathing. I looked at my cousin. She had tears in her eyes. And then I looked back at Ah Ma again. Morphine was coarsing through her veins. Surely she didn't feel any pain. Maybe the pain of knowing we're there and not being able to communicate with us, but definitely not the physical aspect of pain. Why do we feel sad to see her like that? Then, I remember thinking of Cousin, why do you feel sad? When your time is up, it's up, isn't it? Seeing granny breathe, I only cared if the mask rubbing against her face each time she exhaled hurt her.
We stayed on for approximately 2 hours and I merely observed her for this period of time, not feeling any sadness... I noticed the hair growing out of her head, was in fact black. What a phenomenon. She HAD a full head of silver hair and now black hair was growing out from her head. Plus, my cousin and I noticed a green tint over the her silver hair. It was almost eerie to see the green tint. Even eerier was that the adults (or elderly since my cousin was already in her late twenties), did not seem to notice or feel intrigued by the green tint. Ok, I'm digressing too much.
We left at around 7.30 for dinner and shopped at Ikea. I really had a great time there with mom dad and didi. By 10.30pm, we were back in the car and Dad was heading back to A.H. to pick up Gu Ma and Cousin. The moment Cousin popped into the car, she was smiling. "Popo (my Ah Ma) is conscious le... She opened her eyes a few times already" And everyone went home smiling. Upon reaching and in less than an hour, Dad's phone rang. Mom came into the room and said, "Sorry girl, Daddy and I have to go back to the hospital... Ah ma's heart rate dropped."
My heart dropped too. I tried to finish the Christmas card I was working on but I succumbed and scrambled onto my Lily Pad to blog. (2.05am)
For the past 1 hour and 50 minutes, I experienced unbearable despair and self-hatred, disbelieve and then relieve. Including the emotions I've felt starting from my arrival the hospital: anger, extreme sadness and loneliness for first phase of shopping because I couldn't find a companion for tomorrow's plan to revisit Ikea; jubilation and excitement when my mom finally allowed me to buy the things I really wanted and needed; and even a mild sort of peace when we were at the cashier paying all the stuff in our cart amounting to $157 and a few cents... A wide spectrum of emotions. this is really what you call an emtional roller coaster.
Usually, I feel better after blogging out in an incredibly, fantastically long entry, especially when I can't find some one I can talk to about it.
This time, I'm thankful it worked just as well too.
Mommy, I'm thankful you're still around.
The terrible ache is suppressed for now. Dear friends, the next time I need you guys to slap me in the face again, I'll speak up here again. And please don't deny me that favour. thanks in advance.
