This Christmas weekend...

WOW. It's christmas today =D

I think this christmas weekend is really pretty well spent! On friday night immediately after the funeral, I went to Ikea with my superman liao... After 1 full week of not seeing him, the meeting cudn't have come sooner. HEhehehe... Then we guang around Ikea, contemplating how our future home would look like... visited all the toilets in every set-up, stopped for a little sweet supper at Ikea's cafe, then proceeded to choose a little something for the TT peeps turning up for Saturday's Steamboat @ Marina!

On Saturday, went out early with Spm again for a movie: Curse of the Golden Flower...Dammit the stupid cinema, impossible to find the Row alphabet, we ended up sitting at the forth row in front. but luckily we still got a good view of the screen and cud still enjoy the movie together! Was ten minutes late for the 6pm meeting time at Marina Bay station coz we were chionging to write and tie the cards onto the presents... No joke ok, gotta do for 7 peeps in 2omins. LOL!

Went to Zhen Fa Live Seafood for Steamboat... The smell (not to mention OIL) that stuck to us after we left was Fantastic~ At around 9 pm we left for the superbowl... but they found it costly to play there so weijian led us up stairs to play pool! We took turns and paired up to play la.. At least everyone got a chance to play =)

When the pool session ended, we were about to head home when weijian wanted to go see the christmas lightings along Orchard Road. So three of us, him me and superman went together and simply strolled from Somerset to Orchard station... OR was it the other way round? HAhahhaha! Sorry i'm lu chi (street idiot). At TIMES only. Hehehehe.

Dat leaves yesterday le... Sunday. Again went out with Superman... HAHAHA. Alot of pple gonna scold liao... go out with him for 3 days straight, gonna i say i bias and dat i don miss them wor LOL! (But I do miss them, just that I rarely get the chance to spend so many days with him maaa.. pls ti liang wo hao bu hao...?)

Yesterday yesterday... went to IMM first to shop around. We wanted to buy a tent so that we can camp out together! YAAAAAAAYY we can stay out and he can bring his telescope(s) and wadever astro stuff is needed to spot Saturn and observe the moon this season. however the choice at IMM were tooooo limited le! Decided to go beach road some other day to buy the necessary instead! For dinner, we went to *drum roll*.......

BOTTLE TREE VILLAGE! Yea... history repeated itself... we ordered the amount of food that was more suited for 3- 4 persons again but this time really cud not finish everything so had to da bao some chicken wings left over le! Hahaha.. By the time we finished dinner, it was coming to 9pm. So we headed back out t sembawang park and stayed til 12.30am... got ravaged by freakin mossies man! VICIOUS LITTLE BLOODSUCKERS I TELL U! It wasn't until we moved to the beach side did the bloodsucking stop. wahahaha.

Made it back rather early to the train station for the train back to cck. A very first ride can took less than 15mins from Sembawang to Cck! Coz at some stations, the doors just opened and closed - no passengers alighted. HEhehe =)

yups! dats my christmas weekend for u! how did u spend yours? =]

today might be the bluest day of 2006 for me.

i am suffering from funeral overdose. as if that's not enough, sms-cold-turkey, neglect-ivitis and insignificancer...

i was annoyed by *everyone. for a short moment i even hated *everyone. (*figurative).

THIS WEEK OF THE HOLIDAY SUCKS! ABSOLUTELY SUCKS!!

I think when misery and misfortunate hits you, expect an army of it to follow suit. Damn it. Dang it. SHit it. really, like when one persom ignores you, the rest kinda follows.

I want Pat Pat!

My Ah Ma is dying and I don't feel sad.

(12.15am)

The title of this post screamed out at you, didn't it?

I feel sick. really sick. Sick to admit that this is really the case. My Ah Ma is really dying and i really don't feel sad. I went with mom, dad and bro to see her at at A.H. She had been admitted for one full week and today was the first time I went to see her. Because of this, it may be the last and final I would be seeing her alive. nearly dead, but alive. But she hasn't seen me for weeks. weeks. weeks. If I was crying now, it would be because... I feel terrible. For not being sad that she is dying. I can't explain it. Can't explain it. Just can't explain it.

I'm sitting here comfortably on my Lily Pad (just bought from Ikea) feeling sad about myself and for myself, that I don't feel sad for my granny. I feel like shit now. Why don't I feel sad? Anything would be better than this feeling right now. Dear friends, please give me a slap, each one of you. Anything would do. Please. I deserve one from every one of you for thinking of what I had been thinking.

Since yesterday, when I first heard that Ah Ma had been "sleeping" for one entire day, the first thoughts were... OH no... my holiday... My long awaited Christmas and New Year's break... For the next line, please do not continue to read if you're already starting to think I'm insane.

My next thoughts were....

Ah ma please don't die until after Christmas.

I can't believe myself either. I'm writing this and confessing here in hope of seeking forgiveness from myself. And forgiveness from anybody who might be reading this at all. Nobody can understand how terrible this feels. I feel like.....................................crap.

Right now, I'm thinking, what if Mom calls back from the hospital and says that Ah Ma has just passed away? What would I be feeling? I can easily picture myself putting down the receiver after the news... and crying myself to sleep. But for what would I be crying? For all the wrong reasons I'm sure. I would be crying because I feel guilty about not visiting her earlier, because I've a good-enough grand daughter, because I, "I", "I", "I".......

Why do people cry when they see their loved ones dying? why do YOU cry when see your grandparents dying?

(1.29am)

*I just received my mom's sms. She said "Ah Ma is STABLE now! Pls sleep well!"*

Now I'm really tearing up le... now I don't even know why I'm feeling relieved. Is it because my Christmas would not be ruined, or is it because I'm really relieved that she'sgonna tide over this like she did the past few times? After all the selfish and heartless thoughts that's been going through my head, I no longer know of my own nature. I'm beginning to think I may be capable of only and all sorts of cruel and evil thoughts.

Is dying really that unbearable for the dying person? Again, why do people feel sad? Why don't I? The last funeral I went through was my aunt's. Last year. After her sucide attempt succeeded. Why did I cry? Let me tell you why. I told my parents not to search for her the morning she went missing. I said, "As an adult, she should know how to take care of herself. Right now, she just needs some time to cool off, be away from her husband, her family. If she doesn't want to be found, you can't find her anyway." Hell was I wrong. She just wanted to kill herself. The next morining I cried like hell after they told me she was found. And the reason I cried: I felt guilty for what I said.

I am an unfeeling person. It seems strange even to myself that I am not upset over someone dying. I just feel so lousy because I am not able to feel what children and grandchildren are supposed to feel when that happens.

Slouched over the hospital's bed bar earlier on (5.30pm) at the hospital, I stroked my Ah Ma's fluid-swollen hands and looked at her face. Riden with the burden of laboured breathing. I looked at my cousin. She had tears in her eyes. And then I looked back at Ah Ma again. Morphine was coarsing through her veins. Surely she didn't feel any pain. Maybe the pain of knowing we're there and not being able to communicate with us, but definitely not the physical aspect of pain. Why do we feel sad to see her like that? Then, I remember thinking of Cousin, why do you feel sad? When your time is up, it's up, isn't it? Seeing granny breathe, I only cared if the mask rubbing against her face each time she exhaled hurt her.

We stayed on for approximately 2 hours and I merely observed her for this period of time, not feeling any sadness... I noticed the hair growing out of her head, was in fact black. What a phenomenon. She HAD a full head of silver hair and now black hair was growing out from her head. Plus, my cousin and I noticed a green tint over the her silver hair. It was almost eerie to see the green tint. Even eerier was that the adults (or elderly since my cousin was already in her late twenties), did not seem to notice or feel intrigued by the green tint. Ok, I'm digressing too much.

We left at around 7.30 for dinner and shopped at Ikea. I really had a great time there with mom dad and didi. By 10.30pm, we were back in the car and Dad was heading back to A.H. to pick up Gu Ma and Cousin. The moment Cousin popped into the car, she was smiling. "Popo (my Ah Ma) is conscious le... She opened her eyes a few times already" And everyone went home smiling. Upon reaching and in less than an hour, Dad's phone rang. Mom came into the room and said, "Sorry girl, Daddy and I have to go back to the hospital... Ah ma's heart rate dropped."

My heart dropped too. I tried to finish the Christmas card I was working on but I succumbed and scrambled onto my Lily Pad to blog. (2.05am)

For the past 1 hour and 50 minutes, I experienced unbearable despair and self-hatred, disbelieve and then relieve. Including the emotions I've felt starting from my arrival the hospital: anger, extreme sadness and loneliness for first phase of shopping because I couldn't find a companion for tomorrow's plan to revisit Ikea; jubilation and excitement when my mom finally allowed me to buy the things I really wanted and needed; and even a mild sort of peace when we were at the cashier paying all the stuff in our cart amounting to $157 and a few cents... A wide spectrum of emotions. this is really what you call an emtional roller coaster.

Usually, I feel better after blogging out in an incredibly, fantastically long entry, especially when I can't find some one I can talk to about it.

This time, I'm thankful it worked just as well too.

Mommy, I'm thankful you're still around.

The terrible ache is suppressed for now. Dear friends, the next time I need you guys to slap me in the face again, I'll speak up here again. And please don't deny me that favour. thanks in advance.